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Posted By: Katyusha on: 02/16/2013 02:51:55 ET
Subject: gJDOsAwdNeNYtvEajpg

Message Detail:
Thank you so much Amanda for sharing yolresuf so openly. My best to you in what you are navigating. Thank you also to others here who have shared!Huffy, I too know that feeling of being the child moderator , somehow taking upon myself to make others happy by taking on their depression. I know differently now as I learn to allow others in my life to make their own choices. I can still be there for them, but now it's not a drain on my life force. And if it becomes draining, I know how to say no .Be: to try and answer your question for myself. I've asked this very same thing. Why am I compelled to make a decision or act? My circumstance is about a woman I've been seeing casually and intimately. As I've shared before, it's been my first. That doesn't make it any less important or frivolous. I like and care for her and my affection was deepening. We got on great. The problem was that she often revved up the sexual gears to fast too soon and I lacked the appropriate response time. This caused me to get nervous, feel pressured, insecure, and even unsure. Last week, this brought up a conversation that needed to happen for our mutual integrity. I allowed her to feel like she didn't owe me anything just because I wasn't ready enough. A week went by and it was tough on me as I was just starting to open up more and feel more relaxed with her. I decided to meet her yesterday and we had a good if somewhat heated (on my end) talk about how I felt in all this. I wanted to see how I/we felt about each other given the break. I told her to put herself in my shoes, be a man who is just starting, and feel the tension that brings. Men exhibit this tension and nervousness by not getting it up or by being a little slow on the uptake. Time and ease is essential for me. She got it and was really grateful on telling her all this. I mean, I told her before too! What was different though, was that I already energetically close myself off to her. I left her last night feeling very sick. This tension I've been repeatedly leaning into was starting to not feel good.My situation is, is this tension still appropriate? I'm all about facing my fears and getting the shit out. But how much is enough before you realise that maybe she is just not working for you? Do I risk leaving a gift from the universe because I still have issues to confront, or do I listen to my gut feeling. Which is actually correct. The gut can often be deceptive when there is a lot of fear. I don't want to run away. The need to act simply comes from a need to resolve this inner conflict. And I've waiting things out I think, and not just once or twice. The problem in hanging in there is that I potentially lose an opportunity to have an open space again for something even better to manifest. One must make a choice to resolve confusion. I've approached that resolution by meditation, time, and integration. So, reopening this relationship seems incredibly daunting as it means starting over on some levels reopening myself up energetically. And for what? To get to the same conclusion or tension? I am just not convinced that she will be the match I need at this time in my life. And is that fair to her too? For now, I've left things with her on a good and very open note. If she and I feel like trying again, I will let our natural desires speak that honesty. Thanks for reading,HS
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