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Posted By: Srinivasaraghavan on: 02/13/2013 14:03:16 ET
Subject: ITNEadDDsKEZLYxu

Message Detail:
Hi guys, the discussion has been very ineertsting thank you. I think a lot of the fear Carrie mentions (and Eric raises as well) stems from a fear of abandonment. We often enter into relationships out of loneliness in an attempt to find the missing piece and when we find each other, we develop a massive reliance (some might say over reliance ) on them to the point where we won't allow the other to develop and grow as a person, and so we end up with the push and pull of control issues. Of course, that's usually because we ourselves are afraid to grow and develop we'd rather have a crutch than learn to stand on our own two feet. This results in what we might call the race to the bottom rather than to the top. Usually the weaker person needs the stronger person, and the stronger person feels duty-bound to support and protect the weaker person. What happens then is that the weaker person remains weak, and the stronger person is undermined (their sense of duty is constantly palyed on, and they are made to feel guilty if they attempt to pay any attention to themselves or their own needs) until they too become weak the weaker person's strength only comes through the dominance of the other. Eventually of course, the stronger person seeks to leave (one can only hold their breath for so long), and trouble ensues.How does one find their way out of this relationship model? I think the best thing to do (and that of course is incredibly difficult to do!) is to not enter into a relationship under those conditions. To wait until individuals are strong enough to be self-supporting units having a strong and supportive community around us helps. It's a lonely trek sometimes sexually frustrating, because strong people need company too usually the company of the another strong person but all too often, the strong ones are out tied up in these destructive relationships, living out their sense of duty .Until of course it all becomes too much and they being to understand that they ALSO have a duty to themselves.The law has a provision when it comes to contract law and negotiations that the parties enter the negotiation with clean hands and I think (as relationships are also negotiations), that would be a good rule of thumb for determining whether a person is fit to have a relationship with (and also, are WE fit to be in a relationship? Are we strong? Can we give it the requisite energy?).The pressure ( marketing ) on us from society (obsessed with reproduction) to couple off, marry, produce children is huge, but one must resist that pressure. The single life when one os negotiating trauma or familial or childhood issues is a good thing we give ourselves time to work through things and heal. And does anyone actually NEED more trauma? Because relationships where a power imbalance exists are traumatic. We need to arrive at the point where we say no , where we understand that charity (that is LOVE), does indeed begin at home that is, with us as the individual. If we can't love ourselves (and demonstrate that we love ourselves for example, by not enetering into situations where we will be harmed), then we don't have enough love to give anyone else. Love is unlike anything else you have to have a full belly of it yourself before you can actually give any away you can't share it if you haven't got it!Community, friends these sorts of loving relationships help us become strong, and then and only then can we enter into that other sort of relationship the one that involves true intimacy as individually strong people (and whether that be with one person, or more is a matter for the individuals involved) with clean hands .Cheers,Indrani
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